I need control

I am a complete control freak. I need to know every last detail of every last thing going around me, and if (when) I don't like how it's going, I change it. Simply, I'm nuts.

Right now, I cannot handle the fact that I couldn't control my pregnancy a little better and have both of my boys. I cried one time over the loss of my son, and I never thought twice that it must have had a purpose. I never dwelled on my loss but focused strongly on making sure S was safe and healthy. Today, I really don't like myself at all for this. Everyone, including social workers, therapists, counselors... they all said my outlook and positivity was healthy and my strength was admirable. I feel like I was a coward.

My husband was a little different. He felt the loss immediately, and then after worried each and every minute of the day about me and our unborn baby. He was more realistic and human about the loss of our baby. I tried to be superwoman. Now here I am, sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of burying our sweet baby boy. Words cannot express how resentful I am that I didn't give myself the time to grieve. I cried once. One time. I didn't cry while holding is tiny, lifeless body. I didn't cry when I made the arrangements for an autopsy.

I cried when they took him away to the hospital morgue and the reality set in that I would never, ever see him again. Pictures cannot take the place of holding your child, feeding them, watching them grow. He will never get the chance his brother has and I cry now knowing I will not watch him grow. I cry tears for the birthdays we'll never celebrate and the fun we'll never have. I cry because I cannot control the outcome. I sob because I cannot control my feelings.

I cry, cry and cry. All I can do is cry.